I used to be a rebel. I used to go against the stablished system. Why? For many simple reasons. When I was in my last years of school I stopped following the flow, it became difficult for me. I asked the teachers for answers. I asked them why. They make me feel very bad about myself, they would say I was rude and will report me for bad behaviour when I had explosions. I became very angry at times. Anger has dominated my life on many aspects. I passed school but the maths and science and all that I had to leave behind. I was upset that they couldn’t explain it better for me. I passed high school and I have been trough 6 years in uni. I have a degree.
But these teachers. I always blamed them for not letting me learn. I had to stop a path because once I asked why do we need to learn all this maths, they will feel offended by my questions, or think I was impertinent. But I only wanted to know. They will react on my questions and be defensive. They shut me off.
It was not only the maths. It was life. I felt I couldn’t cope, I started seeing people like these teachers, they won’t help me if I wouldn’t follow the system. Then I felt different. I felt out. I felt that it was so, so unfair though. I felt very depressed that just because you are different you are left out.
I know it is not my fault. I know the world has still a lot to learn and that compassion is not in everybody’s plate. People is selfish and protect themselves, this is normal and that’s why they act the way they do.
I surrender. I accept the fact. I shouldn’t get angry at it.
I don’t know about you but for me being an adult is the art of hiding my feelings, push them away and show only the good bits of me. I still have to perfection this art as I right now my feelings are explosive, my bad ones I mean. The ones that I write about here. I have to hide, and hide and hide. I know they can disappear. I know if I got a better job, if I wouldn’t feel bad physically, if I felt accomplished, I know I wouldn’t need to try so hard to hide them. Because I will have better things to think about. But these bad feeling are still there. And you know what. I think most people is like this. And thinking about others that might feel the same way as I do make me feel less awful. Because it makes me feel less lonely.
I feel I am in the middle of the storm.
He says, I will be fine, everything will change.
I am honestly getting tired of people telling me that it will change. They have expectations. Either that or they lie when they are speaking of a better future. What if it never changes? It has never changed for years, and what I am feeling is the pressure of people telling me I have to do this or that to change the situation.
They don’t know what they are telling me is that I am not enough, that I have to change. I know that. And it is very tiring, fighting for change, everyday. It doesn’t let room for learning, for improving. Because it only lets you down.
I might not be in a storm. It might never pass. There might not be ever a light at the end.
Since my last post. I surrendered to me. To my feelings and my thoughts. I acknowledge it.
I don’t like me. It is one of these things that if you say to people they will tell you this is silly to thing that way and will try to convince you about all the good things about you. Your friends and family like you, and for them your thought of not liking you is silly. Because they see lots of good things.
It is one of these things you feel since you are a kid. You buried it inside you because you feel people and family and friends don’t want to hear it. Nobody can help you with it.
During the years I have let this feeling out, I talked to friends and family. Our conclusion was that I am not as bad as I think, that there are lots of good things on me. But you know, very deep inside I didn’t believe it. There was always this little me that told me otherwise.
I have tried positive affirmations. They help. But they are only brainwash. They work by repetition. I don’t believe it. I can pretend I do though and continue with my life. And sometimes by believing them good things happen. And your life changes.
I have the urge to write, to tell you all about it.
I am not special. I am not alone. And I want to help you.
It is difficult to look for the things you want when it involves other people. Like when you would like to have you house clean but for that you need to agree to clean with the person you live with. Or when he does something you don’t like and affects you and you have to confront him.
That’s what I don’t like, confrontation.
And for that I have avoided people, I still do, it is so difficult for me. It is impossible to avoid your partner or family you live with though. It is a struggle for me.
When you say something to someone that you don’t like about them they are not going to be happy. Is not about you is about themselves, they will feel frustrated about themselves. I have to stop expecting a good reaction after a I do a criticism. But it sometimes hurts me so deeply to see that I am hurting someone. I don’t know how to move on, how to live with it. It alters my peace. I would rather say nothing than feeling all this mess, and if the thing gets too bad I will go. I disengage. I don’t create or live my live with somebody, I can’t. Not all the time.
I make mountains from little problems. If I analyse the situation is not that bad. It is very silly indeed. It is not for to be crying and being so fatalist about everything and my relationship, etc.
I can’t stop telling you what I don’t like, I won’t just shut my mouth for the sake of make you happy. I need to confront this. The time is now. And whatever happens happens.
It is about what you do after the storm. Is your choice to stay stuck on it or to move on.
Sometimes you have to sit down and have a chat with yourself. For the past years I’ve been trying to fix myself, to change the way I am without listening why I am the way I am. I have been in therapy for low self esteem and social phobia and been told to encourage myself to be in social situations, to take my problem and fix it by facing it. Is it my real problem? I am going to picture it.
- I am on a table with my work colleagues. I have many thoughts on my mind, they are always there and I have learned not to let them out. Sometimes they are too strong and I cannot speak because they are too present.
- My colleagues speak and I try to concentrate on the conversation, I sometimes want to interact, sometimes I say something. But usually I am too slow, I cannot formulate sentences fast enough and the conversation flows on another direction.
- I decide to ignore it and I get out mentally, think of something else. The truth is that what I am thinking at the moment is that I am stupid and unable to talk. That I don’t fit in. I picture what they think about be. I pray for nobody to talk to me. I am about to have a breakdown. IS NOT ONLY THIS SITUATION, IS WHAT I WAS CARRYING PREVIOUSLY.
- As the day goes on I have to face other situations with this heavy feeling inside.
- I usually think I must change and be more friendly, have more speaking topics. It somehow distances me from myself. Because I need to listen inside, not outside.
So, this is my point: I cannot create a personality on top of this holding feeling. I have to let it go. I hate myself for being so worried, for having so many problems and bad thoughts in my mind. But this is what I am. The problem is not that I am not social or that my self esteem is low. I shouldn’t fix the surface, it is useless. I need to go right to the bottom and start from there. If I feel accelerated, stressed, etc, I shouldn’t care for how social will I look or how the other will think about me.
I am putting myself first. I realise I am usually about to have a breakdown. I am on the edge. I don’t know how to do it, but I will do it somehow.
I am going to stop looking for answers on the past, or in my live, I don’t care. I will start looking inside.