Being me

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Being me feels like sickness in my stomach. Feels like hiding and shame, feels like death. Nothing good can grow from my intoxicated, sick body, sick mind. Being me is looking yourself in the mirror and seeing a monster. It makes the idea of existing painful.

But I don’t have another choice. All in this life starts on me. I can’t hide, I have to live and participate. Is either that or death. And God knows I am not very brave to end with my life, doesn’t matter how painful it gets, I couldn’t do it.

I feel weak, thirsty of energy. I don’t even have the strength for hating myself. And in some sort of way, it feels good. Feels good to lie down, numbed, to feel the tranquility and to be alone. Not more voices in my head telling me all these terrible things about me.

Feels good, leave me alone. And do not come back.

 

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Bye now

I am using an app where I can help myself and there’s a space for writing down a diary, thoughts, and it is very organised. It is created to actually help you so it is made very well and really works and you see progress.

This blog helped me for a while but honestly I don’t know who I am writing for and don’t think anybody cares.

Sometimes I feel just pathetic and sad of having this blog, stupid for thinking it could actually work. It did help but not anymore.

I found something better.

This Space

One of the most important things when you have depression is to take care of yourself. It is sometimes hard, but if you think about it everyone does it, one way or another. Sometimes is not about taking care but about creating this special moment with you. I used to smoke and sometimes the fact of being alone with my cigarette made me feel better. I created my own space, sacred, and felt kind of loved. I wasn’t taking care of myself because smoking is bad but I was in some way. The same happens with people and food.

Anyway, today I wanted to talk about my new habits, and how they are helping me on the short and the long term. I will just say one word: Meditation. Relax. Mindfulness. Yoga. I know, that’s more than one word.

I am using this app, Pacifica, it is amazing. It got my attention because it is sooo complete and so colourful and pretty. I feel very taken care of and I love it.

Now I am trying new things like, when I feel stressed and panicky I try to breath and count till 4 and I also try to be more on earth meaning that I try to engage more with my environment and when I have bad feelings I tell myself they are only in my mind and that things are not as bad as I thing.

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Magical

There is sometimes something magical and lovable about being oneself. Even if I am feeling awful.

Sometimes I look myself in the mirror and I love me. I love being me, find myself pretty. Enjoy myself. Want to take care of me. And here is where my recovery starts.

Maybe I shouldn’t hate my demons. Maybe I should accept them to live with them.

There is a book I am reading: The Chimp Paradox. It explains how minds works, it is very simple and I believe it serves for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you have depression, autism, or if you are a happy person. The most powerful thing I read on is right at the beginning of the book. Basically the mind has 2 parts, one is you and the other one is the chimp. When you feel upset, anxious, etc, it is not you, is the chimp.

It helps to make you feel not so bad. It helps me to separate different types of feelings and to discover who I really am.

I still struggle when the Chimp is out though. I don’t know how to control it, it takes over and I do and say things I regret later on.

[Last night, when we were discussing or talking, I thought I was right. I had my point. I know what I am talking about. Is the result of my point worth it? No. I feel lonely and harmful. I feel I am putting you down and I am sorry. I surrender and I step back. I won’t feed this feeling again, I won’t tell you this again, because after that we both lose. I prefer to life being 80% happy and having and harmonious life than being on a war]

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Me & the world

I am not individualist. I don’t understand how people can do it. I feel uncomfortable when I feel someone else is feeling bad, and feel the urge to help. To make them feel better, so I can feel good. I can’t do it without you. I can’t be happy if you are not. And I recently discovered how annoyed I feel when it is me the one that doesn’t feel right and nobody seems to care. People continues with their lifes. I feel apart. I then start my three stages:

1.sadness or anger for not being helped. It is followed by isolation and the feeling I don’t belong. I feel deeply sad.

2.then I will accept it is my own fault to feel like this. Will accept others opinions, that is, I will put others above me. When they tell me I am wrong for thinking they don’t care I will give them credit and trick myself and tell myself I was wrong and I will also feel bad for thinking bad things about others. My self esteem decreases on this stage.

3.recover. I will start feeling better. Once you are in your deepest you can only go up. And that’s what I do.

 

I numb myself telling myself I was wrong. That I have to be better. I stopped listening to my intuition.

I am not selfish.

The world is not perfect. Is not even close to perfection. Society, parents. Imperfect. Selfish.

I believe and always believed in people selfishness. It is not a presumption. It is something I see everyday.

I see people limiting themselves to new opportunities, to engagements, because of their selfishness. Because they think their opinion matters more, because they talk when they can listen, and with words they close doors.

I am a conciliatory. I want families to get along, to be together and support each other. I want society to fight together and in the same direction and not individuals fighting against each other.

I have failed. I didn’t know what I was since I really put that into words. I always thought that way. I was in my house, watching at my family fighting with each other, while I was creating this space inside me. I wasn’t good communicating my feelings and thoughts. I wasn’t present many times.

In my head everything is different, I don’t play the same game. That’s what separates me from you.

I don’t want to play this game, and at the same time I don’t want to feel left apart, behind.

I don’t understand why you fight if you can love. Why you take a small word a person said and do it so big and bad. Why you take their words to prove they are bad. What is your goal? To prove that you are better, that they are worse? Don’t you realise that that way you only separating yourself from us?

Sometimes I get to obsessed, it is all I can see. I want to enjoy my life, I want to be free, to fly and flow and to not be stuck. I want to let it go, I am not going to fix the world or other peoples problems in one day, not even in one year, and probably never in a lifetime.

I have to enjoy my life.

And to believe in it, in what I think is real. In love. 3496482185c02dc085fc2beee04fe880