There is sometimes something magical and lovable about being oneself. Even if I am feeling awful.
Sometimes I look myself in the mirror and I love me. I love being me, find myself pretty. Enjoy myself. Want to take care of me. And here is where my recovery starts.
Maybe I shouldn’t hate my demons. Maybe I should accept them to live with them.
There is a book I am reading: The Chimp Paradox. It explains how minds works, it is very simple and I believe it serves for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you have depression, autism, or if you are a happy person. The most powerful thing I read on is right at the beginning of the book. Basically the mind has 2 parts, one is you and the other one is the chimp. When you feel upset, anxious, etc, it is not you, is the chimp.
It helps to make you feel not so bad. It helps me to separate different types of feelings and to discover who I really am.
I still struggle when the Chimp is out though. I don’t know how to control it, it takes over and I do and say things I regret later on.
[Last night, when we were discussing or talking, I thought I was right. I had my point. I know what I am talking about. Is the result of my point worth it? No. I feel lonely and harmful. I feel I am putting you down and I am sorry. I surrender and I step back. I won’t feed this feeling again, I won’t tell you this again, because after that we both lose. I prefer to life being 80% happy and having and harmonious life than being on a war]
It is difficult to look for the things you want when it involves other people. Like when you would like to have you house clean but for that you need to agree to clean with the person you live with. Or when he does something you don’t like and affects you and you have to confront him.
That’s what I don’t like, confrontation.
And for that I have avoided people, I still do, it is so difficult for me. It is impossible to avoid your partner or family you live with though. It is a struggle for me.
When you say something to someone that you don’t like about them they are not going to be happy. Is not about you is about themselves, they will feel frustrated about themselves. I have to stop expecting a good reaction after a I do a criticism. But it sometimes hurts me so deeply to see that I am hurting someone. I don’t know how to move on, how to live with it. It alters my peace. I would rather say nothing than feeling all this mess, and if the thing gets too bad I will go. I disengage. I don’t create or live my live with somebody, I can’t. Not all the time.
I make mountains from little problems. If I analyse the situation is not that bad. It is very silly indeed. It is not for to be crying and being so fatalist about everything and my relationship, etc.
I can’t stop telling you what I don’t like, I won’t just shut my mouth for the sake of make you happy. I need to confront this. The time is now. And whatever happens happens.
It is not my wrong perception of the world or a mental illness what makes my life bad. It is me seeing the reality. There is nothing I can do about it, relaxation techniques or pills won’t change the outside, they will only help me through.
I have some plans for the future:
- I will not succumb on the thought of having a depression and how hard is life for me. I am tired of it. I will feel sad most of the time. Most of the time is when I try to hide what I feel when I get worse, I try to be nice to others and don’t complain about things.
- I will say what I think. I have the stupid thought of guys thinking girls are complicated and I want to prove the opposite, by pretending that I am not thinking that much or that I am feeling good when I am not.
- I will say what I think, again, because sometimes when I don’t is for the stupid reason of thinking what effect it could have. The effect it could have on what others (my bf) think about me, and the effect it could have in my future.
- I won’t try to create the perfect future. I am so worried about it, so perfectionist. I won’t try to control everything. I will let go, and live the present. I will realise when my thoughts are travelling back or forward and will drag them to the present.
- I will act only with the things I see or people demonstrate me. I won’t create imaginary situations in my mind. I will live reality.
That’s what I think I should do after finding out many things in the past week. I care too much for having the perfect relationship with my bf, think on the future, perfection, etc. I am done with it, I will live the present, as that’s what he does. I take things so serious that sometimes it makes communication difficult because I take things the wrong way, like when he says something about kids being annoying and I thought “he won’t want to have babies with me ever, and probably nobody would want to because you are worthless, and ugly and he doesn’t like you at all and he is with you only because it is easy for him, etc…….”.
When I feel hopeless, hurt and with my heart broken in bits, it is usually after a series of events. I know what triggers it. More or less. I know when I will start feeling awful. I know being quite and alone will fix it. Alone and in peace. I cannot have a fight and be alone in peace. My peace of mind is more about having no remorses. I can’t leave you, I can’t stop loving you because I could never forgive myself. I wouldn’t be in peace.
Sometimes I don’t have a fight with you, usually I have an intense inside fight, I feel the violence. It scares me and I don’t want to talk to anybody about it, I freeze, blocked. Alone. I want and need to be alone.
I need to open my heart. I want to. There is the only way to truly be happy.
My bad feelings, what pushes me down comes from my own thoughts I get from my expectations, what causes frustration on me. When it comes to relationships the expectations grow bigger and with them the frustration when they are not met. What causes me pain is that feeling, intuition or whatever it is, that we don’t belong together, that we will end up splitting. Is like if I know. Is it worth the risk, the time, the love? I always thought it does, I cannot live with fear for the future. Maybe the dream comes true, and if our time is over sometime I know I have loved you fully by the time we were together.
I have to be grateful for what I have. I am.