Bye now

I am using an app where I can help myself and there’s a space for writing down a diary, thoughts, and it is very organised. It is created to actually help you so it is made very well and really works and you see progress.

This blog helped me for a while but honestly I don’t know who I am writing for and don’t think anybody cares.

Sometimes I feel just pathetic and sad of having this blog, stupid for thinking it could actually work. It did help but not anymore.

I found something better.

This Space

One of the most important things when you have depression is to take care of yourself. It is sometimes hard, but if you think about it everyone does it, one way or another. Sometimes is not about taking care but about creating this special moment with you. I used to smoke and sometimes the fact of being alone with my cigarette made me feel better. I created my own space, sacred, and felt kind of loved. I wasn’t taking care of myself because smoking is bad but I was in some way. The same happens with people and food.

Anyway, today I wanted to talk about my new habits, and how they are helping me on the short and the long term. I will just say one word: Meditation. Relax. Mindfulness. Yoga. I know, that’s more than one word.

I am using this app, Pacifica, it is amazing. It got my attention because it is sooo complete and so colourful and pretty. I feel very taken care of and I love it.

Now I am trying new things like, when I feel stressed and panicky I try to breath and count till 4 and I also try to be more on earth meaning that I try to engage more with my environment and when I have bad feelings I tell myself they are only in my mind and that things are not as bad as I thing.

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Magical

There is sometimes something magical and lovable about being oneself. Even if I am feeling awful.

Sometimes I look myself in the mirror and I love me. I love being me, find myself pretty. Enjoy myself. Want to take care of me. And here is where my recovery starts.

Maybe I shouldn’t hate my demons. Maybe I should accept them to live with them.

There is a book I am reading: The Chimp Paradox. It explains how minds works, it is very simple and I believe it serves for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you have depression, autism, or if you are a happy person. The most powerful thing I read on is right at the beginning of the book. Basically the mind has 2 parts, one is you and the other one is the chimp. When you feel upset, anxious, etc, it is not you, is the chimp.

It helps to make you feel not so bad. It helps me to separate different types of feelings and to discover who I really am.

I still struggle when the Chimp is out though. I don’t know how to control it, it takes over and I do and say things I regret later on.

[Last night, when we were discussing or talking, I thought I was right. I had my point. I know what I am talking about. Is the result of my point worth it? No. I feel lonely and harmful. I feel I am putting you down and I am sorry. I surrender and I step back. I won’t feed this feeling again, I won’t tell you this again, because after that we both lose. I prefer to life being 80% happy and having and harmonious life than being on a war]

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Me & the world

I am not individualist. I don’t understand how people can do it. I feel uncomfortable when I feel someone else is feeling bad, and feel the urge to help. To make them feel better, so I can feel good. I can’t do it without you. I can’t be happy if you are not. And I recently discovered how annoyed I feel when it is me the one that doesn’t feel right and nobody seems to care. People continues with their lifes. I feel apart. I then start my three stages:

1.sadness or anger for not being helped. It is followed by isolation and the feeling I don’t belong. I feel deeply sad.

2.then I will accept it is my own fault to feel like this. Will accept others opinions, that is, I will put others above me. When they tell me I am wrong for thinking they don’t care I will give them credit and trick myself and tell myself I was wrong and I will also feel bad for thinking bad things about others. My self esteem decreases on this stage.

3.recover. I will start feeling better. Once you are in your deepest you can only go up. And that’s what I do.

 

I numb myself telling myself I was wrong. That I have to be better. I stopped listening to my intuition.

I am not selfish.

The world is not perfect. Is not even close to perfection. Society, parents. Imperfect. Selfish.

I believe and always believed in people selfishness. It is not a presumption. It is something I see everyday.

I see people limiting themselves to new opportunities, to engagements, because of their selfishness. Because they think their opinion matters more, because they talk when they can listen, and with words they close doors.

I am a conciliatory. I want families to get along, to be together and support each other. I want society to fight together and in the same direction and not individuals fighting against each other.

I have failed. I didn’t know what I was since I really put that into words. I always thought that way. I was in my house, watching at my family fighting with each other, while I was creating this space inside me. I wasn’t good communicating my feelings and thoughts. I wasn’t present many times.

In my head everything is different, I don’t play the same game. That’s what separates me from you.

I don’t want to play this game, and at the same time I don’t want to feel left apart, behind.

I don’t understand why you fight if you can love. Why you take a small word a person said and do it so big and bad. Why you take their words to prove they are bad. What is your goal? To prove that you are better, that they are worse? Don’t you realise that that way you only separating yourself from us?

Sometimes I get to obsessed, it is all I can see. I want to enjoy my life, I want to be free, to fly and flow and to not be stuck. I want to let it go, I am not going to fix the world or other peoples problems in one day, not even in one year, and probably never in a lifetime.

I have to enjoy my life.

And to believe in it, in what I think is real. In love. 3496482185c02dc085fc2beee04fe880

Recovery

I am starting to be happy again.

There are things that help me at this time:

  • music (always). I used to listen to 50-60 jazz and rock&roll, blues and other types of music. Now I am listening to most recent music. No more jazz and sad music. Now is direct and passionate, energetic.
  • yoga. Makes me feel I matter, I am important. Feeling I am taking care of myself is a great feeling. I am terrible at sports, yoga is very gentle.
  • listen to my body. For years I ignored pains and aches or I put them aside when I had other things to do. I felt frustrated for not being able to do things properly because I was feeling weak or ill. Now I stop and listen.
  • I put myself first (well I try to…)
  • listen to my mind and emotions. And limit myself. I know people and psychologists say not to avoid situations that make you anxious because you won’t face the fear that way and will be stuck forever by not facing it. Well, I say, I am taking care of myself and right now I don’t need a bunch of tears and a mild panic attack.
  • what I mean in the point above is to put limits in my activities. There was a time when I was very social and was surrounded by friends, etc. Now these kind of situations lead into increase my insecurity and my low self esteem. I am trying to do what is good for me and to avoid feeling this way. If that means being less sociable then I will be less sociable.
  • Being organised, tidying up and cleaning. It is a joyful task, I forgot how much I liked it.
  • It leads me to the rest of the points. Organise photo albums. The folders of my computer. My time, travels, etc. Organisation is the most important thing in life (I sound OCD, I’m not :P)
  • I found what brings joy to my live. Help others. In a group therapy I’ve been, me having the same problem as the other girls I feel able to help them somehow. I felt stronger sometimes. I think helping makes me strong.
  • The Chimp Paradox. Please read this book. I am on it now and so far is helping me a lot.
  • Reading other books. Listen to other histories, other people. It makes you feel you are not alone, and sometimes that you are not so much important. It takes a weight out of you.
  • Prettying myself up. Before I used to say I don’t have time to do my hair or wear make up. Even with clothes, I didn’t pay too much attention. Now I make time and I feel so much better when my hair and face is done, I feel pretty and more confident when I go out.

Goals:

  • Stop feeling to bad about myself.
  • Continue doing good things for me, creative and helpful things.

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Sadness is beautiful

but only when it is calm.

No one likes an hysterical,

fast,

nervous sad person.

These sad people are just

trying to get your help.

And they scare you away.

Won’t be until the moment they feel completely alone

when they stop crying,

screaming,

being desperate for help.

They will become hopeless.

They will become beautiful.

 

[This is tragic.

But, is there anything that is not tragic

in this world we live?]