Life is a path to find ourselves. By looking inside we discover our divinity, it takes practice and time and it is the goal of life, to find god within us. But then I ask myself: if we are divine why do we have to convince ourselves that we are, and work so hard to be comfortable on that idea and position? If that’s our nature, shouldn’t we be able to feel it and live with the flow instead of fighting and failing and continue trying? If it is ours, why can’t we see it to start with?
Since I was little, felt that everyone tried to dim my light, I don’t know who encourage it, I don’t remember and don’t think anyone did. That’s why I feel threatened most of the time, because I feel that on my way the people are going to try to put me in the dark. Like no, no, no. Like I am not supposed to rise. That’s why I need to spend time alone, nourishing it, and reclaiming it back. I have to get ready and get the courage to go out with it, with protection so anyone can’t put me down.
Being me feels like sickness in my stomach. Feels like hiding and shame, feels like death. Nothing good can grow from my intoxicated, sick body, sick mind. Being me is looking yourself in the mirror and seeing a monster. It makes the idea of existing painful.
But I don’t have another choice. All in this life starts on me. I can’t hide, I have to live and participate. Is either that or death. And God knows I am not very brave to end with my life, doesn’t matter how painful it gets, I couldn’t do it.
I feel weak, thirsty of energy. I don’t even have the strength for hating myself. And in some sort of way, it feels good. Feels good to lie down, numbed, to feel the tranquility and to be alone. Not more voices in my head telling me all these terrible things about me.
Feels good, leave me alone. And do not come back.
I am using an app where I can help myself and there’s a space for writing down a diary, thoughts, and it is very organised. It is created to actually help you so it is made very well and really works and you see progress.
This blog helped me for a while but honestly I don’t know who I am writing for and don’t think anybody cares.
Sometimes I feel just pathetic and sad of having this blog, stupid for thinking it could actually work. It did help but not anymore.
I found something better.
One of the most important things when you have depression is to take care of yourself. It is sometimes hard, but if you think about it everyone does it, one way or another. Sometimes is not about taking care but about creating this special moment with you. I used to smoke and sometimes the fact of being alone with my cigarette made me feel better. I created my own space, sacred, and felt kind of loved. I wasn’t taking care of myself because smoking is bad but I was in some way. The same happens with people and food.
Anyway, today I wanted to talk about my new habits, and how they are helping me on the short and the long term. I will just say one word: Meditation. Relax. Mindfulness. Yoga. I know, that’s more than one word.
I am using this app, Pacifica, it is amazing. It got my attention because it is sooo complete and so colourful and pretty. I feel very taken care of and I love it.
Now I am trying new things like, when I feel stressed and panicky I try to breath and count till 4 and I also try to be more on earth meaning that I try to engage more with my environment and when I have bad feelings I tell myself they are only in my mind and that things are not as bad as I thing.
Sometimes I need you. To pull me up, to help me stand and continue. To understand me or not, but to be on my side while I am struggling.
Is on these moments when I realise how lonely I am.
There is sometimes something magical and lovable about being oneself. Even if I am feeling awful.
Sometimes I look myself in the mirror and I love me. I love being me, find myself pretty. Enjoy myself. Want to take care of me. And here is where my recovery starts.
Maybe I shouldn’t hate my demons. Maybe I should accept them to live with them.
There is a book I am reading: The Chimp Paradox. It explains how minds works, it is very simple and I believe it serves for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you have depression, autism, or if you are a happy person. The most powerful thing I read on is right at the beginning of the book. Basically the mind has 2 parts, one is you and the other one is the chimp. When you feel upset, anxious, etc, it is not you, is the chimp.
It helps to make you feel not so bad. It helps me to separate different types of feelings and to discover who I really am.
I still struggle when the Chimp is out though. I don’t know how to control it, it takes over and I do and say things I regret later on.
[Last night, when we were discussing or talking, I thought I was right. I had my point. I know what I am talking about. Is the result of my point worth it? No. I feel lonely and harmful. I feel I am putting you down and I am sorry. I surrender and I step back. I won’t feed this feeling again, I won’t tell you this again, because after that we both lose. I prefer to life being 80% happy and having and harmonious life than being on a war]