Past, Present, Inside.

Sometimes you have to sit down and have a chat with yourself. For the past years I’ve been trying to fix myself, to change the way I am without listening why I am the way I am. I have been in therapy for low self esteem and social phobia and been told to encourage myself to be in social situations, to take my problem and fix it by facing it. Is it my real problem? I am going to picture it.

  1. I am on a table with my work colleagues. I have many thoughts on my mind, they are always there and I have learned not to let them out. Sometimes they are too strong and I cannot speak because they are too present.
  2. My colleagues speak and I try to concentrate on the conversation, I sometimes want to interact, sometimes I say something. But usually I am too slow, I cannot formulate sentences fast enough and the conversation flows on another direction.
  3. I decide to ignore it and I get out mentally, think of something else. The truth is that what I am thinking at the moment is that I am stupid and unable to talk. That I don’t fit in. I picture what they think about be. I pray for nobody to talk to me. I am about to have a breakdown. IS NOT ONLY THIS SITUATION, IS WHAT I WAS CARRYING PREVIOUSLY.
  4. As the day goes on I have to face other situations with this heavy feeling inside.
  5. I usually think I must change and be more friendly, have more speaking topics. It somehow distances me from myself. Because I need to listen inside, not outside.

So, this is my point: I cannot create a personality on top of this holding feeling. I have to let it go. I hate myself for being so worried, for having so many problems and bad thoughts in my mind. But this is what I am. The problem is not that I am not social or that my self esteem is low. I shouldn’t fix the surface, it is useless. I need to go right to the bottom and start from there. If I feel accelerated, stressed, etc, I shouldn’t care for how social will I look or how the other will think about me.

I am putting myself first. I realise I am usually about to have a breakdown. I am on the edge. I don’t know how to do it, but I will do it somehow.

I am going to stop looking for answers on the past, or in my live, I don’t care. I will start looking inside.

 

 

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