It is not my wrong perception of the world or a mental illness what makes my life bad. It is me seeing the reality. There is nothing I can do about it, relaxation techniques or pills won’t change the outside, they will only help me through.
I have some plans for the future:
- I will not succumb on the thought of having a depression and how hard is life for me. I am tired of it. I will feel sad most of the time. Most of the time is when I try to hide what I feel when I get worse, I try to be nice to others and don’t complain about things.
- I will say what I think. I have the stupid thought of guys thinking girls are complicated and I want to prove the opposite, by pretending that I am not thinking that much or that I am feeling good when I am not.
- I will say what I think, again, because sometimes when I don’t is for the stupid reason of thinking what effect it could have. The effect it could have on what others (my bf) think about me, and the effect it could have in my future.
- I won’t try to create the perfect future. I am so worried about it, so perfectionist. I won’t try to control everything. I will let go, and live the present. I will realise when my thoughts are travelling back or forward and will drag them to the present.
- I will act only with the things I see or people demonstrate me. I won’t create imaginary situations in my mind. I will live reality.
That’s what I think I should do after finding out many things in the past week. I care too much for having the perfect relationship with my bf, think on the future, perfection, etc. I am done with it, I will live the present, as that’s what he does. I take things so serious that sometimes it makes communication difficult because I take things the wrong way, like when he says something about kids being annoying and I thought “he won’t want to have babies with me ever, and probably nobody would want to because you are worthless, and ugly and he doesn’t like you at all and he is with you only because it is easy for him, etc…….”.