When I feel hopeless, hurt and with my heart broken in bits, it is usually after a series of events. I know what triggers it. More or less. I know when I will start feeling awful. I know being quite and alone will fix it. Alone and in peace. I cannot have a fight and be alone in peace. My peace of mind is more about having no remorses. I can’t leave you, I can’t stop loving you because I could never forgive myself. I wouldn’t be in peace.
Sometimes I don’t have a fight with you, usually I have an intense inside fight, I feel the violence. It scares me and I don’t want to talk to anybody about it, I freeze, blocked. Alone. I want and need to be alone.
I need to open my heart. I want to. There is the only way to truly be happy.
My bad feelings, what pushes me down comes from my own thoughts I get from my expectations, what causes frustration on me. When it comes to relationships the expectations grow bigger and with them the frustration when they are not met. What causes me pain is that feeling, intuition or whatever it is, that we don’t belong together, that we will end up splitting. Is like if I know. Is it worth the risk, the time, the love? I always thought it does, I cannot live with fear for the future. Maybe the dream comes true, and if our time is over sometime I know I have loved you fully by the time we were together.
I have to be grateful for what I have. I am.