Years and years ago I decided to think on what was wrong with me, written, went to doctors. Thought a lot and discovered things of myself that I didn’t know before. It had its downside as well, I opened a door that was very painful and has brought me through dark times, a door that I cannot close anymore.
I am tired, tired of explaining myself. When I feel low, sad and you ask me. Is like if I had to find a solution to this, and if I don’t do it is my fault. It is how it feels. I am tired of trying to find out what’s wrong. It simply is.
The research of why I am sad worked for me when I started, I needed it to not lose my mind, to put everything together. But it came to an end. Because it doesn’t matter how hard I think or how deep I go into my thoughts, there are things that I could never change. It doesn’t make sense to go to a psychologist and explain my problems to be understood. I don’t need to be understood, I need to move on.
My main problem now is that for me is hard to move on. I feel pain, I feel small. I feel bad when I am around people, when they are to close. I don’t feel safe at home with my family. I knew that since long ago. I live on my own for many years and don’t like to go back. I cannot change the past, I cannot make my mum show me her love because this time has past. I am unable to see the love people has for me now, I have to think very hard to see it, I have to convince myself that my mum loves me and wants to help me. I am frightened when I am there. And sometimes here as well. Most of the times I am thinking “later on I will be alone, I will be ok”. I can see the love in the distance but not instantly. At the moment I feel people want to hurt me, or others. I see that people things bad about me, about my actions. I feel so uncomfortable and overwhelmed that I cannot control the situation, myself in the situation.